Friday, August 31
Not So Sweet 16.

Currently Listening To; Anna Molly by Incubus

Oh my, oh my! Where do I even begin to explain what's gone on today?

Well today was Jon's birthday, he turned 16. He got some cool gifts and what not. His friend Anna and assorted other friends threw Jon a party. That was really cool of them to do. I don't think any of the friends I have would take the time to do that for me. I don't think I would ever ask my mom to do that for me. So, that was super cool. I ended up going to this shin dig and meeting some people who I'll be going to school with next year, which I suppose is pretty cool. They were all really cool actually, probably a bit too cool for me. See unfortunately my bitch factor may play into this new school...then these really cool kids won't really care to like me anymore. Blek. With meeting new people comes paranoia. Already I'm letting negative thoughts run through my mind about whether or not they actually like me or this or that. It's bullshit really, but what can I say? I'm a nervous person.

I met a really cool guy there. I won't mention a name in fear that someone from the party thing might read this, other than Jon, who already knows who it is. I mean there were only two guys there...so that narrows it down alot. xD. This guy seemed really nice, cute. We played truth tonight and a question that got thrown around to almost everyone was "What would your definition of love be?" This guy seemed to have the same kind of thoughts about love as I did...well mine in a bit of a nut shell, but you get the basic idea, no? Unfortunately for me, I'm probably not his type of girl. Every guy has a type of girl he prefers, but I don't think fat with big boobs is his type. That's a bit depressing.

All in all the party was a lot of fun though. We played "Duck Duck Goose" and I lost terribly. Then we play "Ghosts In The Graveyard". We had so much fun...or at least...like I've already said a bunch of times...I did.

This isn't even the juicy part of the post though. I'm actually really, really, really, confused/pissed off/angry/agkhakh and it sucks. My mom's ex boyfriend came over to the house tonight to talk to my mom and me. Before he came over he and my mom were texting back and forth talking about something or another. To be honest...I do love my mom's ex. I mean at the time they were dating he was more of a father to me than my own "dad" was. But when he walks out on us every 3 months it doesn't make for a good relationship, now does it?

Well he comes over here and talks to me. Tells me that he cares about me, still loves me like his own daughter, and that's all fine and good, but he really hurt me and my mom, not to mention my 10 year old brother. I mean seriously, did he think all that damage could be repaired with a simple "I'm sorry". I had never seen him cry until tonight though...so I guess it was really sincere. I mean I do still care about him, but I'm not ready to accept him coming back into our lives because he's going through a hard time. I mean I understand that his mother died around this time a while back, but he needs to stop fucking around with us. I have never felt so agrivated and sympathetic at the same time.

What I really can't believe about this situation is not him, but the way my mom let him come over here. She always talks about how she's over him and hates him and I know that she isn't, but seriously. They're in her room right now sleeping...together. They've already fucked...although...you had to know that was coming. I'm really angry with my mom. I mean, REALLY angry with her. She should NOT have let him in the house, shouldn't have texted him, she shouldn't have. She's going to get hurt again and who's going to be left here to sweep up the pieces of an already broken heart? Me! I mean I love my mom and I will be there for her when he, once again, walks out on her, but I am so pissed at her. How could she do that. Sure she loves him, but is she stupid?



Jesus tap dancing Christ.


I am so pissed/confused/upset/asdlgjhas.


I could probably keep writing for days, but what good would that do?

--Bonnie

5:57 AM

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About Me

I'm Bonnie. I'm a lover and a fighter. I have trust issues. I love to have fun. I am not quite up to par in anything. Oh, well. I'll try /almost/ anything at least once. I can't swim well. I love music. I love the smell of books. I am green. I'm in love. I play video games, like all the time. I'm addicted to the computer. I love my friends. I'm not a good person. I lie, and I am way too stubborn. I don't think before I speak. I actually DO care about Darfur. I want to help people. I love life. I have problems, and I know that. I won't tell you I understand if I don't. Life is hard, but people can make it easier. I believe that if we all did one good deed a day, everyone's lives would be easier. I want to make changes in the world for good. I can take you to another place, and point of view without meaning to. I do value the opinions of others. What you think about me DOES make a difference. I love animals. I love one-of-a-kind jewelry. I'm easy to please, and easy to piss off. Get to know me. Oh, and I'm Jewish. I know who I am. You don't need to tell me. I'm not a good person, I constantly cut down everything other people say, I have an arrogant air to me, and I think I know everything. I'm trying to change. So, please, let me take it a day at a time, and stop telling me how terrible I am. I can't take it anymore. K THANKS BYE.